The worst part about eating disorders is no one else can save you from it.
I want to hug my mom and tell her to give me the answer to make it stop, but she doesn’t know. I want to ask my dad to chase it and choke it to death with his hands, but he couldn’t even if he tried.
The thoughts beat in my head and my heart like a drum—loud and out of tune.
My friends can’t shake my head until they fall out of my ears. A doctor can’t, even with years and years of schooling, open me up and clean them off my heart.
When I was in the worst of it, they were beating so loud and so fast, I couldn’t hear it at all. Now—though it’s not as frequent or quite as loud—I notice it more. It interrupts the melody of lifes song.
But I like that God gives us shoes of peace to dance with.
“For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.” Ephesians 6:15
It’s peace that comes with believing in Jesus all the way to the bottom of your toes. A peace that knows no matter when and where you stumble, God will be there to kiss your scraped knee and bring you back up. A peace that knows He made you to dance.
So maybe, just maybe, the offbeat thoughts are going to make me a better dancer.
Maybe they will make me a better listener.
Maybe I will get stronger, braver, and wiser so the dance moves become more intricate and thus more…beautiful.
I don’t know. Maybe I don’t need to be saved from this eating disorder.
Instead, maybe I need to learn how to dance with it and how to find the right time to step on its toes. Then, one day, it won’t want to dance with me anymore.
“For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17